I have something to tell you but I’m not sure how to say it yet. Its crazy and you might not believe me but just remember June 15th. Please don’t forget June 15th
The night’s carry my heart
It flows through the breeze
Wind chimes flow through my veins
The sound that sets the soul on ease.
The moon shines brighter than headlights of a car.
The stars sparkle more than the reflection of the light on the water.
The graceful sway from the trees
To capture every natures sound because everyone is asleep.
The beauty of the night dances through my eyes but yet it’s just you in mind.
Sing the night’s through a lullaby, play nature’s song through my soul.
Can I tell you something?
Can we get on a different level?
I’m sorry I can’t be there.
I’m sorry I can’t talk to you.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t be strong enough for you.
In all honesty I thought I was indestructible but the world ate me right through.
I changed in a way that I never thought could ever happen. I didn’t think I would ever be this unhappy. I never thought that the days would seem so painful to live anymore. I thought the world was different, I thought I could accomplish anything because I just felt that lucky but whatever I did to you, I lost that luck.
Ever since I left the last image of you was through my rearview mirror. I loved you. You always made me smile, you came to my aid even if it was 2 or 3 am. I will never forget that night you know. I was freaking out without my cat and you came over and comforted me all night. I didn’t have to ask, you just came because you knew it’s what I wanted.
The sad thing is, I always think about you. I can’t be there but your still in my mind. I still look at the clouds or moon hoping that your looking at it the same time I am just so I can feel some sort of connection. It still hurts to remember everything you just recently told me, to know that I’m the reason for your scares but I can’t be more sorry for tearing you apart. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep your head above ground. I thought I was different enough to save you, I thought I could be that one.
This car accident most mean something. I’m already shaking and this actually sent me to the hospital.. I have too much stress apparently, but honestly I wish something would keep me busy so I don’t have the time to think about my pain. When I have free time it’s not really “free time”, it’s more “sit there and do nothing. Don’t even look at your phone that you pay for.” I just want to keep crying but I have no tears left to shed. I’m fully breaking down and I can’t ask for help. I just want to be free, I want to do what I want to. I don’t want to fall in love, I don’t to worry about emotions. I just want to play music, I miss music
For the first time in awhile I broke down and was finally able to cry. Just smoked my normal morning bowl while listening to music and the sound of water next to me. The sound of water keeps me calm for some reason, whenever I have anxiety attack I just wanna go to the shower. Usually it helps but for the first time the moment I finally went in I burst into tears.. I cried for a straight 45 mins before realizing I’m going to be late for work and even when I’m already out I’m still breaking down. Saturday was supposed to be the best night ever, I was going to hold his hand even though I would pretend to hate it I couldn’t even pretend because he was too busy looking at the college drunk bitches that were there and I’m the embarrassment. Plus I read EVERYTHING he ever said to that girl he’s been fucking and I couldn’t feel sicker. I knew I shouldn’t have looked because I knew I wouldn’t like it but I had to know. I had to know the truth for myself that every time I was at work she was the second girlfriend. I knew but to see it fucking hurts more than anything. I was ready to die, just ready to end it there so I couldn’t hurt anyone else. I been too much of a disappointment, I’m ready to finally be something else.. anything else.. in everyone’s eyes I am the disappointment even if they can’t admit it.
I just want to be numb again.. I don’t want to cry.. I don’t want to care, I don’t want emotions that make me feel high because after the high it crashes and falls into a ditch. I won’t fall ever again, he taught me that. Build up my walls higher, thicker, I learned. Don’t trust, don’t show your pain, smile and pretend it doesn’t hurt that bad.
It’s still engraved in my mind, it’s not something that I can just forget. Its not something I can just overlook. I don’t know, maybe I care?
It’s just weird that I felt some connection between us every time I hear a story about you. It just meant you were at the same place as I was but at a different time. Hearing Pokemon stories puts a stupid smile on my face and now tonight when I heard them I just wanted to cry. I can’t just forget but I can’t run away. I just go day by day hoping one day will be different, hoping that one day will shine. I want to keep hoping but I’m just falling apart.
Lets turn back time.
I would do anything to go back, change what I have done and never look back. Go somewhere else, start a new. I just don’t know how to deal with the guilt I hold in my heart. Its already dragging on the ground from all of these other fucked up emotions but now this..? This just brought me lower than I ever felt. Its because I know it’s my fault.. I look at it over and over again and I can’t help but cry because everything I look at it I see my name over and over again on every single line that is there. Its worse than looking at my own reflection because I know the monster that I am but to see it on someone else breaks me apart.. I can’t say anything, I can’t do anything, all I can do is fucking cry about it. Like the fucking bitch that I am. But fuck! Did he really think I wouldn’t blame myself for this? Does he think I’m retarded? I know it’s my fault so don’t try to fight me against it because I won’t hear that bullshit. If I can see my own fucking name carved in pain I can see every tear that I caused. All at once I felt all of that pain like a lightning bolt.
Don’t get me wrong it’s been months since I felt… anything. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad. I became so numb that I didn’t realize the pain I caused.
Things are empty, I feel the world slowing turning black. All the beautiful colors I have seen for so long in the world is fading. I lost everyone I have ever “loved” and I never felt so alone. To hide the pain is becoming a lot harder even when I’m at work. Just yesterday I had to run to the back just to hide my tears because honestly everyday it feels like my world is falling apart around me. A customer got upset with me because I wasn’t finding the right items she needed but I couldn’t understand a fucking thing she said so it just made me frustrated and left her with another worker. I left to to help my boss and he even gets mad at me because I grabbed the wrong self that we were building. I got so frustrated that I just went to the back and cried. I can’t do anything right anymore and in all honesty I was really hoping I would be dead by now so I didn’t have to worry about anything.