Lets turn back time.
I would do anything to go back, change what I have done and never look back. Go somewhere else, start a new. I just don’t know how to deal with the guilt I hold in my heart. Its already dragging on the ground from all of these other fucked up emotions but now this..? This just brought me lower than I ever felt. Its because I know it’s my fault.. I look at it over and over again and I can’t help but cry because everything I look at it I see my name over and over again on every single line that is there. Its worse than looking at my own reflection because I know the monster that I am but to see it on someone else breaks me apart.. I can’t say anything, I can’t do anything, all I can do is fucking cry about it. Like the fucking bitch that I am. But fuck! Did he really think I wouldn’t blame myself for this? Does he think I’m retarded? I know it’s my fault so don’t try to fight me against it because I won’t hear that bullshit. If I can see my own fucking name carved in pain I can see every tear that I caused. All at once I felt all of that pain like a lightning bolt.
Don’t get me wrong it’s been months since I felt… anything. I just wish it didn’t hurt so bad. I became so numb that I didn’t realize the pain I caused.
Things are empty, I feel the world slowing turning black. All the beautiful colors I have seen for so long in the world is fading. I lost everyone I have ever “loved” and I never felt so alone. To hide the pain is becoming a lot harder even when I’m at work. Just yesterday I had to run to the back just to hide my tears because honestly everyday it feels like my world is falling apart around me. A customer got upset with me because I wasn’t finding the right items she needed but I couldn’t understand a fucking thing she said so it just made me frustrated and left her with another worker. I left to to help my boss and he even gets mad at me because I grabbed the wrong self that we were building. I got so frustrated that I just went to the back and cried. I can’t do anything right anymore and in all honesty I was really hoping I would be dead by now so I didn’t have to worry about anything.
While I see photos on instagram of people getting flowers and candy and fucking shit on Valentine’s day, do you know what I woke up to? Screaming for a shirt and my first bloody nose I have ever gotten in my life. I think I can officially call this my first bloody Valentine. Sounds cool right? I should be proud I got my first bloody nose? It causes nothing bit pain. People who say it doesn’t hurt are lying.
I shake with anger, I wait even with my anticipation.
Now that it’s being so forced upon me that it’s constantly freaking me out. I haven’t slept since my birthday, I haven’t had an actual appetite in.. honestly, I don’t remember. I’m falling apart and I can see it in my reflection. I’m dying from the inside out, and I’m not to sure if I want to be saved anymore. I hoped for so long and every time I try it just seems to fall apart. I can’t love, I can’t say something that I don’t believe in. Hope is lost, love has become nothing but a word to my ears. The feeling became numb and I’m glad that I don’t have to feel love again. I don’t have to try to worry if I look okay or freaking out if someone likes me just because they gave me the attention I craved. I don’t want to spiral down that bullshit again, dealing with the fucking bullshit a relationship tries to put you through. No thanks, I’m done. I’m dying young.
That’s seriously all I can think about.. fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me mostly fuck me because I feel like I have no heart anymore. I used to be so full of love and now everyone is just a face. I just.. FUCK!